eff off.

 Unhappy. Or annoyed. It’s neither apathy or frustration. It could be sadness.
I guess it was just one of those days. I kept looking for the joy in the mess but couldn't find it.So here I sit at the end of the day. Bitching and complaining. It's probably the last thing you want to read but sometimes I like to know that other people have shitty days.... and they end shitty.

Happy Saturday.

I am aware.

 A girl who thought she had life figured out, and in a matter of a day all things changed.

I have an issue. & that issue is caring for people.other people's happiness, is my happiness.I forget to care about what i think, feel, need, or want. my heart rests so heavily in the comfort of other people that my own comfort takes the backseat. I do believe you should put others before yourself, but self neglect should not be a constituent of that quality.For all this time,I've been doing this to a lot of my closes one and none of them realise or appreciate but It's okay the people i have been trying to care for have taken offence, misread my care, & blamed me for the exact opposite of what i had been trying to do. for me to be told that i don't care, when it is exactly the core quality i am trying to express... is mind numbingly unbearable for me. it felt like a horse kicked me in the chest.my attitude is usually a deep pain & frustration towards those who misunderstand me.

 "God, how can i be so misunderstood?, when i am trying to be the best i can be & follow You whole-heartedly, am i so hated for doing so?"

We Are Trees - Sunrise Sunset

you can never seem to please everyone, ever.

Where can I start? Life is a blur, My mind is like mush. I've chosen to forget, to silence my heart. taking risks and trying hard.I need help, but I don't know where to go. I am so lazy. I'm not even tempted. Instead I torment myself. There's no need to succeed because I've already failed. Everything I've done, I've done to make my life easier and more enjoyable. But I've lost my concept and perception of reality. I am far from happy. I am far from joyful. I have forgotten my God. Forgotten love. I know what is right, yet I run from it. The more I know, the more I desire, and the more I see truth, the more I want to run away from recognizing it in my own life. It just never seems to be perfect. You know what the hard part is? constantly putting those lessons into practice. i can never seem to get it just right.
There are days i wish my days were absolutely free, where i had all the time in the world to fill myself up with God's love, pour out love on others and spend time with them, and also take care of myself.Am i ever doing anything right? and what matters most? that my relationship with God is right, or that i'm pleasing everyone around me?, Oh life.

Today was one of exhaustion and thought. I've got so much on my mind. So much has changed these past few weeks, and it's honestly scary. Changes take time to adjust to, and that's fine. I'm okay with it. I started to analyse my life, my time, my devotion. I began thinking about the people in my life that I call friends.Friends huh? what can I stress about that, they will never stay in your life forever, they come & go I give up trying so hard to be a friend no matter what you've said or done all they see is lies, I won't say a word anymore I have finally realise that they won't stick around and back u up, they don't appreciate you. That's about it.God is really giving me a hard time huh.