Happy Saturday.

I am aware.

 A girl who thought she had life figured out, and in a matter of a day all things changed.

I have an issue. & that issue is caring for people.other people's happiness, is my happiness.I forget to care about what i think, feel, need, or want. my heart rests so heavily in the comfort of other people that my own comfort takes the backseat. I do believe you should put others before yourself, but self neglect should not be a constituent of that quality.For all this time,I've been doing this to a lot of my closes one and none of them realise or appreciate but It's okay the people i have been trying to care for have taken offence, misread my care, & blamed me for the exact opposite of what i had been trying to do. for me to be told that i don't care, when it is exactly the core quality i am trying to express... is mind numbingly unbearable for me. it felt like a horse kicked me in the chest.my attitude is usually a deep pain & frustration towards those who misunderstand me.

 "God, how can i be so misunderstood?, when i am trying to be the best i can be & follow You whole-heartedly, am i so hated for doing so?"

We Are Trees - Sunrise Sunset

you can never seem to please everyone, ever.

Where can I start? Life is a blur, My mind is like mush. I've chosen to forget, to silence my heart. taking risks and trying hard.I need help, but I don't know where to go. I am so lazy. I'm not even tempted. Instead I torment myself. There's no need to succeed because I've already failed. Everything I've done, I've done to make my life easier and more enjoyable. But I've lost my concept and perception of reality. I am far from happy. I am far from joyful. I have forgotten my God. Forgotten love. I know what is right, yet I run from it. The more I know, the more I desire, and the more I see truth, the more I want to run away from recognizing it in my own life. It just never seems to be perfect. You know what the hard part is? constantly putting those lessons into practice. i can never seem to get it just right.
There are days i wish my days were absolutely free, where i had all the time in the world to fill myself up with God's love, pour out love on others and spend time with them, and also take care of myself.Am i ever doing anything right? and what matters most? that my relationship with God is right, or that i'm pleasing everyone around me?, Oh life.

Today was one of exhaustion and thought. I've got so much on my mind. So much has changed these past few weeks, and it's honestly scary. Changes take time to adjust to, and that's fine. I'm okay with it. I started to analyse my life, my time, my devotion. I began thinking about the people in my life that I call friends.Friends huh? what can I stress about that, they will never stay in your life forever, they come & go I give up trying so hard to be a friend no matter what you've said or done all they see is lies, I won't say a word anymore I have finally realise that they won't stick around and back u up, they don't appreciate you. That's about it.God is really giving me a hard time huh.

oh what the hell

I really want to continue to stay happy, but how can I when small things push me back? I should be happy.Yet, the one thing I want the most, I apparently can not have. I realize the little things in life do really matter and are just as equivalent, if not more, than the big things. There is always good with the bad and happy with the sad. Dwelling on these bad things from the past though will only cause an unhappy future. Sometimes, you just have to move on. Moving on can be scary. Sometimes people may think if they move on and get on with their life, they will forget something that they will want to keep most memorable. Little do they know, people can move on without forgetting.

letting the past stay in the past and never surface back up

 I've had so much to blog about and yet no interest in doing so. Everything is slow and harsh, it seems. But every now and then things start to look up. I never have anything to say when I actually get one.I think about so much during the day.
And by the time I reach my blog, I have absolutely nothing interesting to write about.Finally its August, I'm looking foward to Raya Holidays I wish I can fly back home, and here goes that homesick feeling strikes again oh No.
This has been the most difficult past few months of my life. Some might say God is punishing me for my actions and choices. A part of me believes I'm just suffering the consequences of getting myself in bad situations, and jumping into things that I should have taken more time to think about and be responsible about. I do know one thing, I've learned from every experience I've encountered. As cliche as it sounds, all of it has made me so much stronger. I have my days, sure. And I feel stressed almost all of the time. I probably just need a good vacation.What I need to do most importantly is stay focused and positive

 peace out.