a wish.

How lovely to watch the Aurora borealis dancing in the sky also known as Nothern Lights,  When winters comes, looking up to the sky as you watch it dance slowly in the moonlights among the stars , changing colours and your mind has reach to the point of feeling serenity forget the problems leave the city and come closer to nature life, lying down making snow angels with the love ones, light up the Bonfire to heat up the shivers covering yourself with a warm thick soft blanket,while having a cup of hot chocolate and roasting marshmallow not to be left out a good laugh with the folks. I have never ever seen this in my life, It's may seems unreal to see this aurora, I promise one day I'll go there a destination where I can fulfil my wishes and make it come true to see this creation of mother nature. Let me fall asleep and dream of it. Oh love. Heaven is a place on earth I think you might be the one. 

Good Night

Lights Out, Words Gone

Life isn't always fair. People don't always get what they deserve.

This week has been one of the roughest & emotional week with lots of restlessness, solitude, frustration, memories, and oh yeah having NO IDEA what is going to happen next.It caused me to remember things I'd rather forget and i isolated myself from dear friends in order to deal with it. Thinking that if i push them away early on and test their loyalty, i am less disappointed later. it's a great system that i have worked out.EFF NOOOT. I think i will just pretend that I don't exist. go about my day regularly. maybe.At least, i can walk away from it all knowing this is what living feels like. unpredictable, vulnerable, and wonderful. There is something to be learnt from each person around us, and what can we learn if we don't let ourselves be known?
It's not that easy, though. Directly after getting frustrated, everything in me gets angry.Then I normally do something stupid, I felt sorry for myself and not counting my blessings. So heck yeah This is me pissed off and hurt.  Have a blessed week.

Dark Days, Clear Nights .

It's been... quite an emotional journey this week,It was one of those days that everything went wrong & quite a few people weren't the lovliest.

I am realizing that in the past as I have always looked to the future for what is next, I have missed out on some really great opportunities to make memories. And it ends up being a constant feeling of dissatisfaction but everything is so much more fulfilling when I can enjoy it and not try and rush through it.My time is valuable, I work too damn much just to waste my free time on nothing. That's not how it's going down.

Sóley - Pretty Face

Logic - Let Me Go (Feat. Lykke Li)

eff off.

 Unhappy. Or annoyed. It’s neither apathy or frustration. It could be sadness.
I guess it was just one of those days. I kept looking for the joy in the mess but couldn't find it.So here I sit at the end of the day. Bitching and complaining. It's probably the last thing you want to read but sometimes I like to know that other people have shitty days.... and they end shitty.

Happy Saturday.

I am aware.

 A girl who thought she had life figured out, and in a matter of a day all things changed.

I have an issue. & that issue is caring for people.other people's happiness, is my happiness.I forget to care about what i think, feel, need, or want. my heart rests so heavily in the comfort of other people that my own comfort takes the backseat. I do believe you should put others before yourself, but self neglect should not be a constituent of that quality.For all this time,I've been doing this to a lot of my closes one and none of them realise or appreciate but It's okay the people i have been trying to care for have taken offence, misread my care, & blamed me for the exact opposite of what i had been trying to do. for me to be told that i don't care, when it is exactly the core quality i am trying to express... is mind numbingly unbearable for me. it felt like a horse kicked me in the chest.my attitude is usually a deep pain & frustration towards those who misunderstand me.

 "God, how can i be so misunderstood?, when i am trying to be the best i can be & follow You whole-heartedly, am i so hated for doing so?"

We Are Trees - Sunrise Sunset

you can never seem to please everyone, ever.

Where can I start? Life is a blur, My mind is like mush. I've chosen to forget, to silence my heart. taking risks and trying hard.I need help, but I don't know where to go. I am so lazy. I'm not even tempted. Instead I torment myself. There's no need to succeed because I've already failed. Everything I've done, I've done to make my life easier and more enjoyable. But I've lost my concept and perception of reality. I am far from happy. I am far from joyful. I have forgotten my God. Forgotten love. I know what is right, yet I run from it. The more I know, the more I desire, and the more I see truth, the more I want to run away from recognizing it in my own life. It just never seems to be perfect. You know what the hard part is? constantly putting those lessons into practice. i can never seem to get it just right.
There are days i wish my days were absolutely free, where i had all the time in the world to fill myself up with God's love, pour out love on others and spend time with them, and also take care of myself.Am i ever doing anything right? and what matters most? that my relationship with God is right, or that i'm pleasing everyone around me?, Oh life.

Today was one of exhaustion and thought. I've got so much on my mind. So much has changed these past few weeks, and it's honestly scary. Changes take time to adjust to, and that's fine. I'm okay with it. I started to analyse my life, my time, my devotion. I began thinking about the people in my life that I call friends.Friends huh? what can I stress about that, they will never stay in your life forever, they come & go I give up trying so hard to be a friend no matter what you've said or done all they see is lies, I won't say a word anymore I have finally realise that they won't stick around and back u up, they don't appreciate you. That's about it.God is really giving me a hard time huh.

oh what the hell

I really want to continue to stay happy, but how can I when small things push me back? I should be happy.Yet, the one thing I want the most, I apparently can not have. I realize the little things in life do really matter and are just as equivalent, if not more, than the big things. There is always good with the bad and happy with the sad. Dwelling on these bad things from the past though will only cause an unhappy future. Sometimes, you just have to move on. Moving on can be scary. Sometimes people may think if they move on and get on with their life, they will forget something that they will want to keep most memorable. Little do they know, people can move on without forgetting.

letting the past stay in the past and never surface back up

 I've had so much to blog about and yet no interest in doing so. Everything is slow and harsh, it seems. But every now and then things start to look up. I never have anything to say when I actually get one.I think about so much during the day.
And by the time I reach my blog, I have absolutely nothing interesting to write about.Finally its August, I'm looking foward to Raya Holidays I wish I can fly back home, and here goes that homesick feeling strikes again oh No.
This has been the most difficult past few months of my life. Some might say God is punishing me for my actions and choices. A part of me believes I'm just suffering the consequences of getting myself in bad situations, and jumping into things that I should have taken more time to think about and be responsible about. I do know one thing, I've learned from every experience I've encountered. As cliche as it sounds, all of it has made me so much stronger. I have my days, sure. And I feel stressed almost all of the time. I probably just need a good vacation.What I need to do most importantly is stay focused and positive

 peace out.

long gone.

 HAI ♥

After a long break , it's time to get back to reality 3rd semester!  back to books, lots of calculations to do, beverage class and so on. I'm learning more and more every day how to rely, to to be satisfied

And oh it's July already. 

I'm still trying to figure this out, it its real or just a lies.

waiting.missing.losing

quick post.

A good night post before I go to bed. Spending time with the family & friends,it feels good to be home.
Things have just been crazy buzy and fun lately. I've been wanting to update but haven't really had the chance.
I don't think I wanna leave this place, I'm not ready to leave and go back to reality. Everything in here makes me happier,I'm blessed with everything I have now.

Inhale,exhale.

It's almost dawn, & I'm still wide awake as usual.Five months ago my life was drastically different than it is today. 2nd semester has finally come to an end everything happened so fast and the next thing I knew by the end of this year I'll be finishing my studies and start my internship next year. Stepping outside to face the reality, waking up without any dreams to fulfils & achieve what's the point living? Somehow I wish I could predict the future or build a time machine, everything its just so unpredictable.  It's amazing how your life can alter so much in a matter of months,days,hours,minutes. I feel like everything bad has happened, and it has all happened at one time.
Why am I so worried? new life, however, took an incredible turn for the worse.
 Finally it's holiday season, I shall put aside all the negative vibes away and start looking forward to this Tuesday trying not to be snobbish. I hope this holiday will be a productive one, and for that I shall start making a plan I don't wanna regret, every moment and chances I have to spent quality time with everyone and cherish every moment with them.
I ain't feeling sleepy at all, I don't even need a cup of coffee to keep me awake.

Adios Amigos!

distraction.

Here Am I blogging when I know I have only few more hours left to study french exam. I was reading trying to memorise and understand every french complication words, it's funny when U translating every words to English it's how a person never learn English vocabulary before, how broken it can be and here am I trying to cope. I've been so anti-social it kills me , but I don't even desire to spend time with the ones I do know. It's like all I want to do is stay in my room watching my favourite Tv show . I suppose my mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion is probably majorly contributing to this lack of sociability. I'm just so annoyed and frustrated with people lately that all I want to do is get away from them. I don't want to be social. I don't want to hang out. I'd rather keep to myself ,I'd almost rather just talk to myself.how weird am I? I pray this is just a phase. Because it's an absolutely horrible way to think and live. But in this moment of time, I'd prefer just keep to myself.
Wish me luck loves, finals exam starting today till thursday! 

crumble.

I'm doing it all right, now that I'm feeling good & refresh. something mysterious in my mind keep on replaying the same shit scene A fallen angel seek for help but there's no one there to come and save her now she's stuck and reality awakens her.Well things are changing, since I've been locking myself up in the room and coming out like a caveman how unproductive is that. Feels like Everything is going backwards,it becomes harder for me to wake up every morning also harder for me to fall asleep every single night.A big part of me feels so empty, feels like I'm emptying more of myself with every moments.I can't puff myself up like I've got everything in my life together.I just don't know how long will this last. Need a break From Earth? what a Joke.

My age does not define me nor does it define my aspirations.

I'm sitting at home with cramps and a stomach ache. Those two things combined just don't do well. I've had so much to think about lately. 

Woke up at noon, had my light lunch and put on a face mask feelin freshy. The weekends was great, had fun been drinking too much and my belly is not in a good shape now so much for drinking beer. Need to get back on track stay focus for this week study mission I have something in mind I hope I can full fill it, I am to desire what I desire at my age.Being 19 years old does not make me too immature to know what I want, make me unwise or unable to strive for the things I desire so desperately.
But the fact that my young age supposedly makes me too baby-ish to know what I want and see my goals as great ones is just a put-down that I will not stand for.

JUNE

 Hello, it's finally the month I've been waiting for JUNE. Life is just so dull back to where Its suppose to be, I want life to either rewind a year or fast forward a year. I don't want to be in the present.  There are days when I don't even know what to do with myself anymore. Missing my crazy homies terribly.  I need to focus on my finals now. I'll be back posting with happy thoughts,x!

Picking Battles and Breaking Out of Routine

Monday blues,I can't wait for semester break seriously looking foward to June and fly back to Borneo chilling, the beaches and a good company that's all I need now.I've been incredibly unhealthy lately addition my pms has put me into a depression mode and a sudden of craving for sweet treats! With what I eat, how I sleep, and what I watch/listen to has put far too many toxins in my body and in my life. I have to stop being lazy too and do more outdoor activities work out perhaps? yes I'm flabby and chubby oh Joy! I'm making small life changes to cleanse all of the life toxins out and make my health and my life a little less cluttered and a little more stress free!!
        Have a good week ! x

everything will be okay

 

I'm doing much better than before after a week of heartbreak this heart is finally heal and right now It doesn't even matter to me anymore or maybe a little bit? I have never felt so alone in a crowd of people, but I will be okay.I feel myself losing so much faith in the human race also remembering being so forgiving ,so naive , and so trusting of every person I came in contact with. There's the time when I find myself meeting people and immediately assuming that everything they said are lies, I meet people and shortly after start withdrawing myself from them in fear that they'll leave first if I do not. I'm finding that more people than I would have ever imagined are fake and vindictive.I honestly and truly don't know who I can trust any more. I find it harder and harder to actually desire to put effort into any sort of a relationship with another person anymore. I just don't want to deal with the hurt it's only ever inevitably to cause me.

When I don't get facts directly, I make facts up in my head

I can be one of the rudest, most hateful people on the face of this earth. I can store up anger like you wouldn't believe and let it explode.It's funny how hard I have to try when writing things to people to not let foul language slips in the sentence. My human mind can display some of the most terrible things inside,I must admit I'm only human. Inside I carry thoughts,just as evil as those of murderers and thieves and the lowest of sinners in this world.I literally have this sunken feeling in the pit of my stomach realising exactly how lonely I am.

I'm so messed up.

life flows

Feeling so relieve and happy that finally my service & kitchen exams are officially over, no celebration who might knows that I may fail or finger crossed I'll pass I swear this two classes I'm not willing to repeat.  Final exam for 2nd semester is next month I'll better be prepare for that.

At this moment, I can't say I don't know what's wrong with me,because I suppose I do know.
Seriously, this happy face it's just a mask when I know I'm feeling lost & confused. And all of the people  so recently hurting me is really getting to me, for somebody as social and loving as I am, it feels like I have the worst luck in that very department. I don't know why hurting me comes so easily for so many people that walk in my life, but it does. I wish it didn't affect me as much as it does, somehow being heartless sounds good to me I wouldn't be more careless. Can I just shrug it off and go about my life as if they don't even matter.I just want to sleep now and be happy.

Hello young loves,

Where should I begin? I will never be good in introduction let's make it easy 'A' good hello to my dear reader's. I have finally decided to ditch the previous blog which I have been keeping it for about a more than a year and create a new one so call a "frest start".
This is normal and unexpected for the one that feels unfortunate at the time. The hard part is recovering from this short term of crush you had, a small time dream that this will last longer and move on, Go after something else better not for them but yourself. There is meaning the phrase "Everything Happens For A Reason" So the next time someone tells you this, say "Hell Yeah,You're Right!"